Thousand Year-Old Virgins
by sinemoras09
Summary: Yato's first time with Hiyori doesn't go as planned. Kazuma troubleshoots. Yato/Hiyori, PWP, crack. No spoilers.
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"Don't worry Hiyori! I'm gonna make sure your first time is magical!"

Yato was on his knees on the bed, wearing a pair of boxers covered with little hearts and his Capyperland T-shirt, while Hiyori was sitting under the covers, covering her eyes. "Ne ne, Hiyori! Don't be nervous! I got everything covered!"

He grabbed a backpack and dumped its contents in the middle of the bed. "See? We got scented candles, massage oil, personal lube-"

" _What?_ " Hiyori squeaked. Yato blinked.

"Uh, well!" Yato said. "Kazuma said it might hurt your first time, and he said I should probably get some lube and-"

" _You talked about us to Kazuma-san?!_ "

"Er, well! He's really good with stuff like this! I mean, he's probably a virgin too, but he knows human anatomy and-"

"Oh my god, Yato!" Hiyori buried her face in her hands.

Yato crawled on his knees closer to her, worried.

"Hiyori. We don't have to do anything, Hiyori." Yato pried her fingers from her eyes to look at her. "I'm just happy you're here with me, Hiyori. Hiyori? How come you're hiding, Hiyori?

AGGH, HIYORI! I MESSED UP DIDN'T I?! I'M SO SORRY, HIYORI! HIYORI! _I'M SO SO SORRY!_ "

"Yato it's just embarrassing!" Hiyori said. Her face was red. She hid behind a pillow.

"O-okay, Hiyori. Let's just forget it, okay?" Yato said. "I was just so excited to be with you, Hiyori, but I don't want to force you into anything. Okay?"

There was a nerve-wracking silence. Hiyori spoke quietly from behind the pillow.

"I...I want to be with you."

"Eh?" Yato blinked. Hiyori peeked out shyly from under her pillow.

"I...I want to be with you, Yato. I'm just...I'm just nervous," Hiyori said. Yato nodded.

"Okay," Yato said. "I'm nervous too! But I want to make you feel good and if you're too uncomfortable we don't have to do anything."

"No, Yato." Hiyori's voice was small. "I want to."

"Really?" Yato crawled on his knees closer to her. "Hiyori?"

She looked up at him from behind the pillow. "Uh-huh."

"HIYORI!" Yato threw his arms around her. "WAAH, HIYORI! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, HIYORI!"

"ACK! YATO! I CAN BARELY BREATHE!"

xXx

.

At half past midnight, Kazuma's phone buzzed.

"H-hello?" Kazuma rubbed his eyes, sleepily.

" _Kazuma! You have to help me! Hiyori and I don't know what we're doing!_ "

"Wha- Yato? What time is it?" Kazuma glanced at the clock. "It's after midnight. Why are you calling me?"

" _Because it's an emergency, Kazuma! And I need your help!_ "

Kazuma frowned, considered hanging up on him, but then realized that Yato might decide to bother Veena, and figured it was probably in everybody's best interest if he just went along and humored him. "Okay," Kazuma said, reaching for his glasses. "What's wrong?"

" _It doesn't fit, Kazuma!_ "

"What doesn't fit?" He got up from the bed and paced the room.

" _My penis, Kazuma! My penis doesn't fit!_ "

Kazuma stopped. "Are you seriously calling me about this?" Kazuma said.

" _Dammit, Kazuma! You have to help me! We tried so hard and I don't know what to do!_ "

"Are you with Iki-san now?!" Kazuma said, alarmed.

" _Of course not, Kazuma! Hiyori's in the bathroom! She'd kick my ass if she knew I was talkin' to you!_ "

And as if on cue, Kazuma could hear Iki-san's voice in the background: " _Yato, did you say something?_ "

" _N-no, Hiyori! I was just talkin' to myself! Go take your shower, Hiyori! Heh heh! Love you, Hiyori! Heh!_ " To Kazuma: " _Okay, Kazuma! Now tell me what to do!"_

"Yato, this is inappropriate!" Kazuma said. "If Iki-san finds out you're calling me, you will have severely damaged her trust and undone all the goodwill it took to get you there. I suggest you hang up your phone right now before you make things any worse!"

" _Wait, Kazuma! I'm desperate! Don't hang up!_ "

"Kazuma, who are you talking to?" Bishamon said, opening the door.

"Uh," Kazuma cupped his hand over the phone. "Yato and Iki Hiyori were trying to have intercourse. Apparently they've run into some difficulties."

"And they're calling you, why?" Bishamon said.

"For, ah, pointers, evidently."

 _"Is that the skank? DAMMIT KAZUMA! Don't tell my personal business to that skank!_ "

Bishamon grabbed the phone.

"Yatogami. Use your fingers," Bishamon said.

" _Huh?_ "

"Use your fingers. Bring her to orgasm first."

" _Wha- you stupid skank! Dontcha know that's what I've been doing?!_ "

Bishamon rolled her eyes and handed the phone back to Kazuma.

"Yato. For the good of your relationship, I'm hanging up the phone," Kazuma said.

"Wait wait wait Kazuma-"

Kazuma pressed the CALL END button, then tossed his phone back on the nightstand.

"Does that idiot magatsukami not have any common sense? I cannot believe he's calling you for sex pointers," Bishamon said. Kazuma's phone buzzed. They both looked at the screen.

YATO: [KAZUMA! Tell me what to do!]  
YATO: [She wants to try again but I don't want to hurt her!]  
YATO: [ :-( ]

"What on earth does that poor girl see in that imbecile?" Bishamon said.

xXx

.

There was actually a lot that Hiyori saw in Yato.

He was sweet. Kind. Overly excitable, like a clumsy puppy. But mostly because he made her happy she wanted to be with him. She wanted to make him happy, too.

And if making him happy meant pretending she didn't notice Yato frantically texting Kazuma or ignoring the fact that he was calling Kazuma to beg for sex advice, well, Hiyori wasn't going to embarrass him. She appreciated that he wanted to try.

"Uh, so, Hiyori, you know, I heard, um. Hiyori! Maybe I should, you know...use my fingers?"

"Eh?" Hiyori was drying her hair with a towel.

"I mean! Cuz your vagina's like a muscle, right? And just 'sticking it in' is like forcing an untrained gymnast to do the splits, right?"

"Yato," Hiyori said, slowly. "Have you ever done this before?"

"HAH?! What kind of question is that, Hiyori?! Dontcha know how long I've been a god?!"

Hiyori looked at him doubtfully.

"Well I never had time to do that stuff!" Yato said.

"It's okay, Yato," Hiyori said. She sat next to him, wrapping a towel around her chest."We'll just have to learn about this together."

"Really?" Yato sat on his hands, nervously. Hiyori smiled.

"Really," Hiyori said. She took his hand in hers and pulled it into her lap, reassuringly. "I was nervous before, but I'm feeling much better, now. Maybe because I know it's your first time, too."

They kissed. If anything, Yato was a really good kisser. The first time he kissed her, it was wet and slobbery and way too enthusiastic, but after a few gentle pointers Yato could kiss her in a way that could make her melt. So he kissed her that way now, gently and softly, reaching a hand up to cup her face.

"Ne, Hiyori."

"Hm?"

"Didja know...didja know gods can get humans pregnant?"

"Eh?" Hiyori blinked. Yato looked at her shyly.

"And...and didja know, Hiyori, that if you get pregnant, you'd be having my baby?"

Hiyori blushed. "Yato, I think this might be too soon," Hiyori said.

"But later do you wanna have my baby, Hiyori?" Yato said, eagerly. Hiyori blushed and nodded.

"Someday," Hiyori said, blushing. Yato clasped her arms.

"Really?" Yato said.

"Yeah," Hiyori said. She smiled.

"WAAH, HIYORI!" Yato said. "I hope you have my baby, Hiyori!" Yato hugged her, excitedly.

"Okay, okay, Yato! Let's just try to have sex first," Hiyori said.

xXx

.

They were kissing on the bed. Yato had pulled off Hiyori's towel and had laid her down backwards. He was hard and his hips were rutting into hers.

"Ne, Hiyori."

"Hm?"

"You're really pretty, Hiyori."

"Thanks."

She closed her eyes again as his lips found her collarbone.

"Hiyori?"

"Hm?"

"You have nice boobs, Hiyori."

"Thanks."

Hiyori kissed him, running her hands through his hair.

"Ne, ne, Hiyori."

"Huh?"

"Your nipples are really hard, Hiyori."

She arched her back, feeling his lips close over one nipple.

"Hiyori?"

"Huh?"

"...can I lick your boobs?"

"Yeah. Just don't talk," Hiyori said.

"Okay."

He started licking her nipples, alternating with small, chaste kisses around her ribcage. His erection slapped the side of her thigh.

"Hiyori?"

"Hm?"

"I love you, Hiyori."

"I love you too, Yato."

"I'm gonna lick you down there, too."

"Down where?" Hiyori said, and she gasped at the touch of his mouth over the ridge of her pelvis, gently tonguing that little bundle of nerves.

Hiyori moaned softly. She rocked her hips upwards.

"Wait. Am I doing this right?" Yato said.

"Yeah," Hiyori said.

"I wanna make sure I'm not hurting you."

"You weren't hurting me, it felt good."

"Are you sure?" Yato said. Hiyori nodded, blushing.

"Yeah. Yato just...keep doing what you were doing. Okay?"

Yato nodded, then went down on her again. Hiyori sighed, gliding her hips upward toward his mouth. He pulled back again, rubbing her clit with his hand.

"Didja know, Hiyori, you taste kinda like fish paste?"

"HUH?!"

xXx

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Yato sat on the bed and called Kazuma again.

" _You told her she tastes like fish?_ " Even on the other end of the line, Kazuma sounded surprised.

"Yes, Kazuma! And now Hiyori's super embarrassed and I don't know what to say to make her feel better!"

There was a long silence on the other line. Yato frowned.

"Kazuma?" Yato jumped up. "Oi, Kazuma?!"

Kazuma was laughing. It was muffled, but Yato could tell.

"DAMMIT, KAZUMA, WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING AT ME?!" Yato said.

" _I'm not laughing._ " Kazuma was definitely laughing. " _I mean, think about the situation, Yato. It's almost 2 AM and you're calling me because you told your human lover that she tastes like fish._ "

"TEME! I meant it in a good way!" Yato said. He cupped his hand over the phone and glanced toward the bedroom door. "Anyway, Hiyori went to get a glass of water so I need you to tell me what to say! Help me come up with something to smooth this over!"

" _Well for starters, you should probably stop telling Iki-san she tastes like fish._ "

"DAMMIT, KAZUMA, I'M BEING SERIOUS!"

" _Okay, okay._ " He heard Kazuma take a breath on the other line. " _Tell her you're sorry. You put your foot in your mouth and you didn't mean to embarrass her._ "

"I already said all that, but now she's too embarrassed to continue!"

" _Well. Then maybe you should wait until another night_ ," Kazuma said.

"Ya think so?" Yato glanced back at the door.

" _I think it might be for the best, yes_ ," Kazuma said.

Yato glanced up. He could hear Hiyori padding barefoot in the hallway.

"Okay, Kazuma, I gotta go," Yato said, and he hung up the phone.

"Yato?" Hiyori opened the door. "I got you a glass of water. Are you feeling better?"

"Yeah." Yato shifted uneasily. Hiyori smiled and padded next to him. She was wearing his Capypaland T-shirt, which was two sizes too big and hung pleasantly by the swell of her thighs. He took the glass of water and gulped it down, nervously.

"Ne, Hiyori?"

"Hm?"

"I'm sorry," Yato said. "I didn't mean to make you embarrassed."

"That's okay, Yato," Hiyori said. She leaned against his shoulder, hugging his waist.

"It's just," Yato began.

"Hm?"

"It's just, I get so happy being around you, I get excited and I can't help it when I say stuff. I just wanted tonight to be perfect," Yato said.

"For what it's worth, Yato, I'm having a good time," Hiyori said.

"Really?" Yato said. Hiyori nodded into his shoulder.

"Yeah," Hiyori said. She cuddled against him.

A few moments passed. Yato shifted the covers and invited Hiyori beside him. He reached an arm across her body to switch off the light, before cuddling her from behind.

"Yato?"

"Yeah, Hiyori?"

"You wanna try again?"

"Really?!" Yato said. Hiyori giggled.

"Yes," Hiyori said.

"Really, really?" His eyes were as wide as saucers.

"Yes," Hiyori said, smiling. Yato bounced off the bed and threw off the covers.

xXx

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Kazuma was sleeping when his phone buzzed again.

He looked at the screen. YATO, it said. The clock on the nightstand read 3:05 AM.

Groggily, he pushed TALK on the phone.

"What's wrong now, Yato?"

" _Oh!_ " It was Iki-san. " _Oh! Oh! Yato!_ "

"Yato?" Kazuma sat up. "Yato are you there?" But Yato was pounding away while his phone bounced heavily on the mattress.

Kazuma hung up and threw his phone back on the nightstand.

xXx

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"Yato?"

"Yeah, Hiyori?"

She cuddled beside him. "I love you, Yato."

"I love you too, Hiyori." Yato smiled, happily.

"Are you going to call Kazuma-san to let him know how it went?" Hiyori asked.

"Wait, what?" Yato said.

But Hiyori kissed him and giggled, hugging him closer.

xXx

.

"Kazuma," Bishamon said, while Kazuma hurriedly walked beside her. He had dark circles under his eyes and was fumbling with his papers. "You look terrible. Did you get any sleep?"

"No," Kazuma said. "And for that you can blame Yato."


End file.
